If brains was leather you couldn’t saddle a flea.
If brains were dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose
If brains were hair, he would be Kojak.
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas every day of the year
If I’d ordered a dozen sonzabitches and they sent me only him, I wouldn’t feel shortchanged
If stupid could fly, you'd be a jet
If that don’t light your fire, your wood is wet
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it
If you ain’t the lead dog the scenery never changes
If you can’t hang with the big dogs stay on the porch
If you don't use your head, you might as well have two asses
If you mess with a bull don't be surprised when you get the horns
If you wanna' fly with eagles, don't hang out with turkeys
It ain’t no fun when the rabbits got the gun
It’s so cold the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets